This is exhausting on all levels.

I don't know what to write.

There is a big problem on this ship, and few of us see it getting untangled the slightest bit efficiently. I've been so disturbed by the goings on here on the great MV Explorer that I haven't been able to pay attention to many things. Unfortunately, this includes this blog, and sadly, my school work. I've missed two reading assignments and have no confidence in my performance on the first Global Studies exam.

...Before anyone dares make an assumption about my ability as a student, I'm just going to throw out there the fact that I currently hold a 3.81 GPA, and I'll invite you to give anyone at my college a call to see if I've ever been a lazy student. Go ahead. Do it. Here, I'll link you: Richard Stockton College of NJ. My advisor's name is Peter Hagen. Have at it.

I imagine I sound quite bitter to the stranger reading this from his or her desk or den, but it's with good reason. I belong to a group of people on here who are not addressed during class, who are excluded from the vast majority of the "we/us" statements made during Global Studies, and are, for some of the other students, the first of our "kind" to be sitting in a classroom or living in a dorm with them.

In one of my classes the other day, only two people admitted they were upper-middle class. In another, a well-to-do (as if many on here are not) Indian girl was literally brought to tears after an exercise which showed the ways in which she is different from all of her Caucasian friends.

A course of mine with nearly every social issue in its title, Gender, Class, Race-Ethnicity and Sex, is one of the most tense settings one can find on the ship. Walking out of there is a relief, and it's the only relief associated with that class because, though I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that the professor is an experienced and intelligent individual, her teaching style is not effective. She focuses more on letting everyone get his or her say in the order in which a hand was raised rather than on allowing intelligent discussion to build. If person A brings up a good point, it doesn't matter what thoughtful response person E might have; person B has the floor and can bury person A's point until we've all forgotten about it. We take turns, that's all. Then someone says something racist and a third of the room agrees while another half doesn't even realize why what's been said was wrong. Then the five people of colour, and the two male feminists just roll our eyes and die a little inside (unless, of course, we were queued up serendipitously and can change our old comment to a new response).

I'm enrolled in 300- and 400- level classes in which it keeps becoming clear that about two-thirds of my classmates aren't familiar with basic feminist theory.

I realized during class one day that were this programme on land, I would have dropped out of it days ago. To be honest, and this is not an exaggeration to stress any points or anything, a few of us were already talking about our options, if any, in regards to leaving this ship. It's been that horrible. Tears, frustration, and alienation are very easy things to want to walk away from. We're simply tired of crying and being stared at, scared of, lied to, or used as diversity mascots.

On the faculty and staff, there are exactly 2 (two!) people of colour. How is that an appropriate or fitting forum for a programme that so blatantly boasts of its focus on diversity, awareness of socio-structural oppression, and progressive approaches to teaching. I'm not asking for an all Afro- or Asian-descended faculty (not that either of those should be seen as problematic in any way); I just want there to be more than one Black professor while SAS goes on with this charade about racism. There are wonderful professors of colour out there--I've had them! And now I know from experience that with the exception of Toni Zimmerman, whom I loved from the moment we first spoke, the teachers here aren't exactly top notch.

Let me mention, again, that Toni Zimmerman is phenomenal. I approached her with my issues on the day of my previous entry. She listened so well and left me assured that she cared without her actually having to say those exact words. She took me seriously and took in all that I had to say with compassion, wisdom, and honesty. My objections, my tears, all of it.

I wish the same could be said for other communications with professors. Dan Christie, professor of Global Studies, was invited to the second half of a meeting in which most of the people of colour were gathered to discuss the issues going on during class and on the ship. The very first time I heard him speak, as in early February, I thought positively of him. Since then, I've heard him say something carelessly or disturbingly Euro-centric in just about every class and I don't even care to look in his direction anymore.

During the meeting, he listened quietly, but responded defensively (though calmly). He never expressed a sincere apology for his actions because he failed to see what he'd done wrong. Instead, he offered anecdotal information about his family life and having adopted x amount of mixed-race or Vietnamese children to suffice. The closest thing we got was to the tune of "I'm sorry you feel that way."

He offered to allow the setup of somewhat of a "diversity panel," though I'm not at all certain of what the responsibilities of said panel would be. I gladly signed up, though, willing to do whatever it may take to pull things into the right direction. That's all, though.

I sound very pessimistic about the meeting, but hear this: I am refraining from judgment until the next class day, the day after we leave Brazil.



Again, I am in a position in which I have much more to type, but no energy to fuel my fingers. I'm off to the Amazon soon. It will be good to run away from this institution for a while.